And I was your silver lining
High up on my toes
You were running through fields of hitch-hikers
As the story goes

Hooray hooray
I'm your silver lining
Hooray hooray
But now I'm gold


So lets play a game called "Keep my mind off of what today might have been"! How do you play? Well, first spend a day crying to yourself in the dark whenever possible. Then, grow a pair and get out of your house. Spend time with family and friends who care. And whatever you do, shoot the hell out of that thought-you know the one-every single fucking time it creeps into your brain.

It's my Dad's birthday. Er.. at least the day on which we are CELEBRATING my Dad's birthday & my whole family is in Harrisonburg. What a blessing. I planned a little birthday lunch at The Blue Nile downtown, I hope we can have a peaceful and pleasant lunch. I really need it.

My mom is a really amazing person. Even aside from the "she gave me life" factor, I don't know what I'd do without her. She never lets me dwell on things, and that's important. And I can.not. tell you what a blessing it is that I can talk to her about it this time. When she was going through stuff with my Dad, everyone told her to get a good lawyer and get out. But she knew it wasn't right. She knew what she had built with my Dad was worth the work.

...Not that I'm saying this is the same thing. It's not. And I am not as strong as my mom. My mom could forgive anyone for anything. But I admire her so much for listening to her heart and to her God, and not to people around her. That's hard to do.

Yesterday, my mom brought me wedding pictures of my German Sister, Lisa. I can't believe it. She looked SO BEAUTIFUL... I cannot believe that she is a bride. Er.. a wife. I wish I could have gone to the wedding... Gosh.

Last night Bowman came over and we watched a really cute movie called "Itty Bitty Titty Committee". I loved it. & I fell in love with Sadie. I wish she were a real person.







I also love Katie for coming over.

And I love Ali and Ekat for cheering me up like WHOA on friday night with nail polish, pina coladas, britney spears and penis straws. Not to mention a psycho kitty who stole all of the brownies.

OKAY. Time to get out of bed and over myself.

Maybe I spoke too soon.





I don't even have the words to describe what I feel now. I don't think I'll ever get over this.

I hate that I can't talk about it. I am an open book. You are not.

At some level, that has always been our problem. I have felt like you have don't tell me anything, and you feel like I pry.

You shouldn't have lied.

I can't think about this any more. I am hurt, angry and driving myself crazy.

I miss the person I fell in love with. I miss my best friend so much it hurts.

I won't stay down much longer. I can't. I'm wasting so much time being heart broken. In the past two weeks, I've spent more time alone in my dark room then I spent combined in the previous three months. I have to get my life back. I have to smile and laugh again, because even when I fake it, I eventually believe myself. And once I move on, there is no turning back.

I have a good feeling about November.

October was a month of change for me. Changing my major, my career path, and my relationship status in the span of less than a month has left me spinning... It has felt a little overwhelmed and a little out of control.

But I have a good feeling about November. November will be a healing month for me. I'll figure my life out and, with God's help, put my life back together.. at least a little bit.

I went to church tonight. It's nice to worship alone sometimes. It's freeing to be in a sanctuary where no one knows my name nor i theirs and yet all of a sudden we join in praise.

Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and there was no longer any sea. I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, "Now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away
Rev. 21:1





He has made himself my only option. He has pulled me back to him in a way I never expected, but I know now that I can't begrudge it. He has read the end of my book. He knows the way my life will turn out and I trust him completely

As a side note... is it weird that in my head, God looks like Dumbledore?

but it's true.

God is opening windows left and right for me.

second semester junior year and I'm completely changing my life goals. with three semesters left, I have 45 necessary credits remaining to complete my 2 majors, and that is exactly enough to fill the next year and a half of my academic life.

This is a good change. Finally something I'll be good at.

My favorite 4th grader is moving to another Elementary school as of next week. It's really sad... she brightens my day. I want to always be as positive as she is, not to mention as adorably hilarious.

i'm getting stronger. i can feel it. and as much as i hate it, i think maybe i needed this too. i want to thank you for having the strength to do it. for both of us.

this is shit.

i can't even be around you. my heart forgets so quickly and i just feel so safe and then my head swiftly kicks my heart in the ass.

you're not mine. i don't want to let myself pretend that you are.

i don't know what to do. i hate this limbo we're in.

you say it's temporary. it's a break. but nothing will change if i'm still around. you'll never get what you need if i just trail you like the lovesick puppy i am.

you walked. i have to accept it.

when i'm busy, i tell myself that i can do this. i tell myself im strong enough this time. all i have to do is keep moving, keep breathing and not stop til i know i'll immediately fall asleep.

i don't want to sit around and think anymore. my heart still wants this but i can't give in to something i'm MAKING UP.

being with you now is a cushion. it's hot dogs and happy meals and things that make me feel good at the time and only leave me feeling empty and guilty later.

I am no longer in a relationship. I am alone. I am...single.

it's like you heard me before i even spoke.
"Let us be grateful to people who make us happy; they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom."
-- Marcel Proust



We had an awesome weekend in NYC, but our bus from DC to NYC was two hours late leaving and we had to wait an hour and a half of it out in the cold rain... anddd now I'm sick =*(

But other than that our trip was blessedly uneventful!

On Saturday, Melissa and I got tickets to see Mary Poppins and ended up in a private box seat for thirty bucks each! We tried to coax katie and scheller to come with us, but they weren't interested =( That's alright, not everyone can be Broadway Baby! & those who aren't are TOTALLY missing out! It was an AWESOME show! I loved it and I SOBBED for the whole last 20 minutes =P I got a picture with Mary herself plus autographs from almost the entire cast =) It was wonderful =) Also, I have a new Halloween costume idea. just guess..




That night we ventured into Little Italy and had dinner at a very strange little place... the food was alright, but I wish we'd picked a different restaurant because the atmosphere was just so...strange! Haha, but then we went to a place claiming to have the WORLD'S BEST CANNOLI, and though I was skeptical at first, they definitely made a believer outta me! & I loved that on our walk home, there were street vendors just selling Cannoli. Too funny!

& After dinner we went back to Scheller's and the four of us played a game called Celebrity that is one of my favorites. I love being surrounded by people who understand (not so) obscure references to gay culture.

On Sunday, we went to the Museum of Natural History and paid a visit to the dinos! It was very cool, but very crowded because it was 40 degrees and raining outside! We got a VERY EXPENSIVE lunch at the Museum Cafe, but I rest assured knowing that my $10 turkey sandwich contributes to the life of a museum!

Then we took the subway back down to Times Square and entered into a lottery for $25 Front Row seats for a new musical called Next to Normal starring Alice Ripley, one of Melissa's favorite singers.

And, as luck would have it, we BOTH won! It was crazy lucky, and I gave my 2 ticket winnings back because I didn't need them. The show was AWESOME and we were SO CLOSE! We literally could have reached out to touch the actors, but we refrained for fear of lessening the quality of the performance =P Tip: Buy "I'm Alive" on iTunes IMMEDIATELY. After the show, we met all of the male leads from the cast and Melissa got a picture with one of the actors who also has a reoccuring role on Gossip Girl, a TV show a lot of my friends are into.

We then got some VERY EXPENSIVE desserts at the oldest Delicatessen in Times Square! ($15 for a piece of chocolate cake and a cookie!) Before heading back to Scheller's for dinner. A little backwards, we know... but life is short! Sometimes you just have to eat dessert first. Scheller is an organic vegan and she made some DELICIOUS butternut squash ravioli and some salad with tomatoes and avacadoes... YUMMM.


So after dinner we only had a few hours before we needed to leave for the bus and we watched Father of the Bride II! Mom, thanks for educating me in classic Hollywood films! Scheller loved the Steve Martin versions but she had no idea that there was an original starring the great Liz Taylor!

Then we headed back to the Subway and went to Penn Station where our bus picked us up (On time this time =)) and rode back to DC where our friend Amber picked us up and brought us back to my car and then I drove from DC to Harrisonburg at zero dark thirty in the morning. I made Katie stay awake and talk to me so I'd stay lively!

We got home this morning and I sent an email to my french teacher telling her I felt pretty rough (cause I did! I'm so sneezy...) and she's allowing me to take the exam tomorrow which is awesome!

And to top it all off, around my 3rd cup of tea in bed this morning, I heard a knock on the door and it was the UPS guy delivering my Mommy/Daughter book club care package! It made me feel SO LOVED! Perfect timing as usual, mommyo! I love everything and I immediately took my cup to starbucks and filled it up with hot tea so I could make it to my second class today!


WOOWWWZAA! That was ONE longggggg-winded post. I promise cookies to anyone who reads this in its entirety... though napping 1/2 way through is completely acceptable.

Cheers to life, Kiddos!
<3 LG

This is what democracy looks like:


Ahh, Life is so good. I am very, very happy with the things God has done for me.

This'll have to be a short update because I have a panel in 15 minutes, BUT! Let me share something with you:

http://www.theonion.com/content/opinion/if_god_had_wanted_me_to_be

I had originally posted this on my Facebook, but I took it down when it came to my attention that not everyone might pick up on the satirical aspects of the article... and that they might not know that I know that not every Christian thinks like this. But my heart and prayers go out to those that do, for it must be awful to abhor something and have no valid reason for doing so.

So yes, I decided to post it here because I feel that it is a much more private forum... though that is probably entirely untrue. I have no idea who reads this thing...

ANYWHO!

Last weekend:
Parents Weekend+National Equality March=Amazing.
-I almost met Cheno.
-I marched marched marched!
-I cried. (More on this later)
-I love my parents/family.

This weekend:
NYC!

[UPDATES TO COME!]

Peace, Love & THE POWER OF THE PEOPLE

In case you hadn't noticed, I'm not nor have I ever been skinny. And, what's more, I don't wish to be.



I like the way I look in a swimsuit and the way my clothes fit. Now I'd be lying if I said I didn't wish my abs were flatter or that my arms were tighter, but the things I want to change about my body are strength and fitness related, it's not about size!

Sure, I-like many of my curvy comrades-have experienced a twinge of self doubt while flooded with this media image of beauty. And of course, the fact that so many of my beautiful friends do happen to have smaller waistlines and thinner thighs doesn't help. But I've learned that comparing yourself is only going to damage your own self esteem. I have beautiful friends. & I am beautiful too.

Why is it considered vain to say that? I think every girls everywhere should say it to themselves every morning. It'd raise self esteem, improve relationships and ultimately improve the world. It's the little things, ladies!

Beauty comes in all shapes and sizes.





Look at Marilyn Monroe! She's beautiful, curvy and the penultimate icon of seduction. Not that my goal is marrying Arthur Miller only to die a mysterious death and yet have my image live on to seduce the entire world, but you know what I mean.

So go on! Go look at yourself in the mirror and say it out loud. You are beautiful!

peace, love and beauty

I don't want to watch this fall apart.

Is/Not

Love is not a profession
genteel or otherwise

sex is not dentistry
the slick filling of aches and cavities

you are not my doctor
you are not my cure,

nobody has that
power, you are merely a fellow/traveller

Give up this medical concern,
buttoned, attentive,

permit yourself anger
and permit me mine

which needs neither
your approval nor your suprise

which does not need to be made legal
which is not against a disease

but agaist you,
which does not need to be understood

or washed or cauterized,
which needs instead

to be said and said.
Permit me the present tense.

-Margaret Atwood

You said everything I wanted to say.

Okay so... My apologies for my last text-heavy blog. Haha, I hadn't realized how loquacious I'd been til I checked it a few days later. Isn't it wonderful to realize exactly how boring you are?

Hahaha ohh, that's nonsense. I'm a hoot and everyone knows it =P



So! Today I started working again, thank the lord! I'm with fourth graders this year. When I found out, I called my mom and whined about how fourth graders wouldn't automatically think I'm cool the way second graders do! I wasn't sure if I'd be able to convince them otherwise. Fortunately, I have the same last name as a prominent Harry Potter character, so I had that going for me.

No, but really... I love my job. And also... I miss picture day.

In other news:

My mom came up on Monday to see Jimmy Carter accept the Mahatma Ghandi Nonviolence award. His speech was awesome, albeit a little over my head. I'll admit, I am not well educated in the details of the situation in the middle east as it began in the 1960s with our involvement. But I agreed with his overall point that we as a nation should support our president as well as our troops in all of their endeavours.

She stayed overnight and on tuesday in betweeen my classes we played rockband and went shopping. It was so nice to have my mommy-o in HBURG & I'm hoping she gets to stop by on her way back through.

Yesterday after classes, a panel & an FWS meeting, I went on a Madison Equality sponsored scavenger hunt in honor of Bisexuality day (which is today... note the subject line). It was a lot of fun and I was impressed with the exec board's planning, but I probably should have stayed home to study for my massive NM Law exam tomorrow morning... Oh well. There's more to college than classes, right?

Hm. I apologize for the itinerary-like nature of this post. I promise to try and make it "spicy" next time, as my french professor says!

Anywho, it's time for yet another SA meeting. YAYY for Wednesdays at five!!

Peace, Love & swings.

Hello world!

It's only the start of this week & I'm sorry to see the weekend go. I ended up making the choice to go home for Melissa's birthday and to see my parents upon their return from Crete & I'm glad I did. I really love being at home. It's simple and comfortable and it means I get to spend time with my familyy, [and melissa's, too!]

We ended up celebrating two birthdays: my mom's & melissa's! we had a birthday dinner saturday night at kyoto's for melissa. it was DELICIOUS, par usual & our chef was hilarious. I especially enjoyed him pretending to pelt michelle with bean sprouts! But SOME DAY i'd really like to be able to catch that shrimp they throw at you...

Then I picked my parents up from the airport and got a full report of their grecian adventure. & OHH MY LORDD, I could not be more jealous. The pictures were GORGEOUS. Greece is number one on my new travel agenda. [It used to be number two, second to Ireland, but now that I've checked that off of my list, Greece has been bumped up a spot!]

The following morning, Melissa's dad took us to a birthday breakfast. Spending time with her Dad and Julie is always verryyy interesting, haha. Never a dull moment, I tell you what. Julie is so funny, she always has me in stitches, and we had a rather quirky waitress, which made the combination of personalities all the better.

Immediately following, I went with my family to a birthday lunch for my momma at Ruby Tuesdays, but seeing as the lunch immediately followed breakfast, I just had some sweet tea. [Haha, isn't the informational exchange (made possible by the internet/blog world) of minute details such as that a beautiful thing?]. It feels good to be able to give someone a gift that they really wanted. I got the chance to do that three times last week, lucky me!

Yesterday I did a Panel for a gwrit class and had a lot of fun. I have high hopes for the expansive minds of our generations, and I continue to pray for the hearts and minds of those who have unjust perceptions. Honestly, I challenge you to boil down what it is that makes you uncomfortable with two people, any two people, being in love. My guess is that it's probably more linked to your personal insecurity than anything the couple has done. Same sex relationships aren't the norm. I get that. But there are plenty of things that go against the status quo that we have a society have come to accept! Polyester! Eyeglasses! Joe's Crab Shack! Granting legal recognition to tax paying, legal citizens who wish to consummate their relationship in the eyes of the law (same sex couples can already get a religious marriage in several more tolerant and progressive churches around the nation, and therefore can already be married in the eyes of God) can only improve this nation. And withholding the basic right of the pursuit of happiness on the basis that so and so's grandmother and such and such's next door neighbor feel uncomfortable at the sight of two people of the same sex holding hands in the movie theatre next to them is not only unconstitutional, but also just plain silly!

Man, that last sentence was such a run-on, I think I tripped off my soapbox!

Anywho, It's now Tuesday & this week has already given me plenty of obstacles to overcome. First of all, the bus tickets we bought for NYC have to be changed and it's going to end up leaving me with an empty bank account for at least a little while... which is a problem because I know that I have a few checks out there floating around waiting to be deposited and if that happens in the gap wherein my bank account is empty, it will be quite upsetting to the grand scheme of my finances. Now I know this is boring and that few people have interests in my financial woes, so I won't say another word about it.

Actually, I won't say another word at all as I am currently sitting in a silent computer lab. And do you know why I am sitting in a lab? Because the dear old Mac store to which I brought my beloved laptop LAST WEEK to have a burnt out back light repaired has recently informed me that the part needed to fix it will not be in for another TWO WEEKS and then they will be able to START the work on my computer. I have Ireland pictures on my computer that Turner wants me to turn in for a slideshow that will be featured at our upcoming Ireland reunion. Not to mention that I have a plethora of online readings and subsequent papers due in multiple classes that I am no longer able to write in the comfort of my own home. Also I have been unable to contact my FWS sponsor until this morning to learn of my placement for this year (an event that will help ease the aforementioned financial burden). Not to mention that, currently, the only supplementary income I have is an ONLINE job with chacha, so without a computer it is virtually impossible to create any sort of income for myself. Also, my Ipod is missing.

I know, I know... Would I like some cheese with my whine?

(The answer is yes, of course! I <3 cheese.)

Haha, okay okay... no more whining, I promise. I have so much to be grateful for and it is about time for me to count my blessings. At least I don't have to be a child bride to my first cousin because of a revelation from a prophet!

... That was my attempt at a segue into the subject of Stolen Innocence, the autobiography/memoir that I am currently reading. It started out as research for the potential documentary I was going to do on the Fundamentalist Churh of the Latter Day Saints[FLDS] communities, but though the subject of my documentary changed, my interest in the book did not. So now it's just pleasure reading.

It serves as a really nice follow up to the last book I read (The 19th Wife by David Ebershoff) which was fiction. I'd reccomend either book to anyone with any interest in the polygamous sect. I'm not really sure where my interest in the subject came from... except that human nature utterly fascinates me. What is it about a person such as Warren Jeffs that can make SUCH an impact on people as to create an entire community who trust the words from his mouth as the words of God! It's frightening to think about the way people can be coerced and cajoled into a system of beliefs that locks them into a most miserable lifestyle!

Well alright... seeing as it is now almost 11:00am and I have a paper due at 3:30pm that I have yet to start, I suppose I should bunker down and get it down! Prayers for the speedy return of my computer, please!

Peace, Love & Days Like This.

tuesday was three years:



& today is twenty three years:



so naturally, this little lady has been on my mind a lot lately.

Wednesday night, her fabulous roommates threw her a wonderful surprise party complete with balloons, streamers & breakfast foods (her favorite) including a 13 layer chocolate chip pancake cake lined with strawberries, bananas & cool whip. And, despite my bad mood, I think it may have been her best birthday yet. She deserves it after years of being stuck with a birthday that falls at the beginning of the school year and involves bringing cupcakes into a class of kids you don't know!

& today, I decided to come home with her to be with her on her birthday weekend because it seemed ridiculous to me not to be. so ridiculous that I'm going to end that sentence with a preposition!


anyway, I suppose my point is that I love Melissa Anne Brown, in all her lisping-scrappy puppy-grumpy morning glory. She deserves the very best twenty third birth day anyone could ever have. I'm talking parades and puppies if she wants them! So watch out world! I'm a woman with a mission!

the more I see the less I know
but I know one thing, that I love you!

my life is charmed. beautiful. and a little nutty.

Right now I should be studying for my SMAD 301 exam... and yet I just can't seem to shove anything more about the kinesic, oral, linguistic, audiovisual or networking self concrete or abstract into my mind. PLUS there's an SVU marathon on, and I think we can all agree that mariska ranks higher in priorities than half legible notes dripping all over powerpoint slides.

I jest!

Last night's rave at Camelot made for the best Saturday night I've ever had at JMU. I wish I'd had more time to get ready... because it was also the best dressed party I've been to here. Haha, but I didn't even plan on leaving my apartment last night after an incident with an unexplained allergic reaction that left red bumpies all over my neck and gave me a nausea and a headache. In fact I was all tucked in bed, hanging out with melissa and watching animal planet special on poodles when I got the call to come out. I didn't drink last night, but I've never had more fun just dancing and talking, not to mention the DJ was FANTASTIC. Plus Melissa took me to Bob Evans' for breakfast. That & tonight's mexican food fleadh in 13F will mark the last of my crazy eating as tomorrow marks the beginning of a new healthy eating regime.

& okay SO, one less than satisfactory aspect of my life: when it comes to a particularly close friend of mine I feel like the golden rule of friendship is being stomped all over! Like, okay... I make it a point not to blow off the people I love. And it really sucks when they blow me off, intentionally or not. But this particular person has been guilty of it multiple times, and I've tried to ignore the pattern, but I can't any more. If you don't want to hang out at a specified time, then don't tell me you do. Whether or not you think it's important to call me and let me know for sure that we either ARE or AREN'T hanging out, it's common courtesy. And when you don't do so, it hurts my feelings in addition to being just plain rude. I know your momma taught you better.

And you know what?


me too.

I love Etsy. And I love this:


sincerely, me.